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Old guy. I smelled this old guy in line at the grocery store. Don’t get me wrong, getting old is a beautiful thing… but.. This man smelled like play-doh. He also smelled kinda like piss, and I was like, wow. I mean he kinda just smelled old, almost like a world war II museam, that old smell. And it was just kinda like, bleh. And then I thought, instead of smelling some kid about to go out clubbing* (see second blog for more on clubbing) and spraying half a bottle of Leopard Piss fragrance all over himself, old people that smell like death should wear cologne.
What if this happened…… New state law passed, anyone over the age of 70 required by law to wear scented fragrance in public. I love those old ladies that powder themselves up with Lilac powder and it smells like she just took a bath in dollar store flowers. Church ladies and elderly women that get done up to go to the grocery store, it’s saying alot, and I love them. Either way, I vow to not get older and smell like pee and play-doh. What I do like is an old guy that smells like booze, has a jump suit on and is waiting in line for instant lotto, that’s my kind of guy! He’s also shaking, has strange discolored bruises and splotches all over his skin, and he looks me in the eye like he wants to kill me because he knows I’m just a punk fuck.
Where’s my drugs? Has anyone found any decent hook ups for pills on line? What ever happened to that friend that was so entrepreneurial that he took it on himself to order a boatload of pills, sell them to his friends with a 400% markup, and then sit back and watch as his buddies blanked out, and crashed into light poles and had to move back home with mom and dad. Point is, if you google, “Order vicodin now, 1000qty”, there will be a website with credit card info fields and you can make it happen! I actually did this once, me and BERNIE ordered like 100 Soma’s because I hurt my back while hand gliding. I really needed these pills and so did he because he hurt his back sucking the penis of a twelve year old boy. Just kidding Bernie. Oh wait, no I’m not. Hey Rolly, fuck you too pal. So anyway, we ordered the 100 pills, and Fedex brought them to me, COD, I went to 7-11 (* see second blog about 7-11 and bloody parking lot) traded my cash in and paid the 75 cents for a money order. So let’s review. I ordered online, and had Soma next day aired to my house, we paid with COD money order and before you know it we was out on Lake Travis and almost drowned on rafts. Case of budwieser + SOMAS = WIN BEAR! But it did feel good for about 2 hours. Then I had to eat 6 of them just to get off. Then they ran out and I was sad.
In regards to meds, I’d like to thank my grandfather right now. I know they probably have a fast connection for internet up in heaven. So he’s probably reading this. Bob, you were a cool fucking grandfather. If it wernt for them cigs you’d still be here maybe, but it is what it is. Anyway, I wanted to thank your doctors for over prescribing you with an arsenal of pain medicine in your final years on earth. When they shifted you onto new drugs, all of your old drugs were conveniently located in my closet in my room at my parents house. So one day when I flew home from Colorado to visit, there was a BONANZA of drugs in my own closet!
Could this really be I thought! Wow! There was all kinds of shit, I had to bring all the bottles into the computer room and do my research. All kinds of funny pain pills and “dude where’s my car” drugs. Wow it was a great summer. I remember bringing home Duragesic pain patches, one day, while at the airport refueling jets, I had too much pain medicine in me. My shift was almost done anyway, and I was about to throw out the patch. My penis was tingling so I took off the patch at our shift change and gave it to a co-worker. You can share the pain patch! The next day he asked me if I could get any more of them and stated it was the best he’s felt his entire goddamed life……
Apparently, some towns have recycled drugs depositories. My mom is a nurse and she donates unused drugs to these places. This really pisses me off. I guess it’s okay for like unused antibiotics, but I’m like “Mom FUCK do you know the street value of this shit!”… I think that’s where my mom intended on sending grandpas pills, but she realized that they just “disappeared”. Little did she know that my ROI (return on investment) worked out very nice. The jumbo bottle of 400 xanax helped me get the rent squared away that month. But it was fun being a test dummy for all those pills, another funny thing, they also made Grandpa take stool softeners. I gave a few of those to my buddy and he took a few of them. He was “buzzin” and later that day I told him what they were.. Placebo ass.
So I’ve decided to post an ad on craigslist. Do you currently have expired pain medicine, or laughers and screamers? Please drop them off here so they can properly be disposed of. I’d like to be the next controversial news article. Local man arrested for posting ad on craigslist asking for expired medicines.
Honestly, drugs are bad. The good news is, I’ve tested them all, so go crazy! Note to self, if you have to sit in the bathroom and actually make a hard effort for your brain to tell your body to pee. Like if you really have to try hard to piss, you’ve taken too much medicine. Slow down, and wait a few hours before you eat more. I can’t lie, I haven’t tried the serious drugs, but as far as farmies are concerned, in the words of Elton John “I’m still standin”. So listen, if my heart didn’t stop, nor will yours. Gobble Gobble! ** This statement has not yet been evaluated by the FDA or yer FAT FUCKING FACE.
Happy eating!
