So I just made a hot pretzel in the oven. I bought that brand, Superpretzel, you know those kind. Anyway, I was at Target a few weeks ago, I got a hot pretzel. It sucked ass. It was like cardboard bed sheets put in a toaster oven with butter and piss. It was like a wet crusty bed sheet with tons of butter and shitty gourmet salt…… I guess it was kinda tasty, but it didn’t taste like plastic bag and shopping cart plastic… and that really pissed me off….
Last time I was at the market….. I found the Superpretzel… I’ve been buying them for years, but tonight, I ran into my past, I really tasted my PAST! For some reason, maybe my reflections of the evening, I tasted the past… and it was a cross between a plastic bag and a blue light special…..
I threw my Superpretzl in the oven, I’ve got better at it, I flash cook it in the oven for about 3-4 minutes. And I realized something. I TASTED VENTURE circa 1987.
Remember Venture? It was pre-target. IT was just as badass but some rich white asshole probably found a way to take over Venture without causing a ruckus…. I lived in Jew Jersey around the time when Venture was liquidated for unknown reasons to me… Target came out like a new world order… Actually come to think of it Venture and Target be it the Zebra logo or the Target have a similar resemblance. Anyway, so I made another pretzel tonight.. I made sure to sprinkle plenty of the salt on it before I cooked it. You just whip the pretzel under the sink a few times and flick the water off it and adhere the salt… Anyway, that salt, holy shit. It is heart attack salt, it’s the same shit they use in the midwest to melt ice, but boy is it TASTY!
Anyway, I bit into it and it tasted kinda like plastic, but good plastic. Maybe kinda like that slurpee plasticy taste, kinda taste like the shopping cart… it’s a good taste… And it was so good, and now I just want to go buy some worthless plastic shit! It reminded me of going into the store as a young kid, smelling plastic big wheels and hot wheels and water toys and tons of other forms of endless plastic entertainment…. Anyway, it’s an odd experience, but I want you to think real hard…. Hear the beeps of the registers, smell that plastic, do you see yourself roaming the endless isles of garden hoses and plastic trees and … oh wait, I think I smell tires… no wait! I smell the garden section, no wait…. that’s just cardboard… anyway… FAHK I want a pretzel…
Venture forever!
