So I’ve had the miserable priveldge of eating at Subway almost daily since my new office is only a few doors down from the Subway.  I’ve finally found a low cal fat buster salad that’s not packed with pubes and carbs.  Most of you are naturally skinny, and you can carb up and still not give a fuck.  I don’t even eat any carbs, and I still can’t see my dick when I piss so I have to consider the low cal alternatives.  So in my history of Subway, I’ve discovered the salads.  The first few times they sucked balls, and knowing the staff is important.  You have to be forceful, demanding, and literally steer them towards putting the right toppings onto the sub or salad.  Be careful with meth heads and others that are miserable (90% of the staff) they will ruin your sub, but if you cultivate a good relationship with these people, you just may be in store for a healthy oasis of food that doesn’t make you spackle the office porcelain.

This salad is EASY.  If Jarrod had this salad he’d be looking etheopian in no time.  Anyway.  Nowadays, you get them to make the salad half regular lettuce and half spinach.  First get the chicken flourentine and ask them to microwave it, I get double meat because I have to feed my monstrous penis.  As they microwave, make sure and get 1/2 lettuce, 1/2 spinach.  Load all the veggies, the more the better.  Don’t let them be cheap about it, really load em up.  Then u have to make sure and time the hot chicken and the cheese at the same time.  If you can’t see your dick when you piss, you better axe the cheese.  Also add vinegar and oil.  If you want natural fat like olive oil and olives, which they say are good for your heart, I’d do it.  Makes for a nice coating over my ulcer that I’ve got from pill abuse and alcoholism.  Garnish with Oregano.  Make sure and get Jalepenos.  IF you are trying to watch salt intake watch out for the pickled shit.

This is a low carb meal, you can do the math when u first get in there and count up the chicken, the veggies aren’t much for calories or fat.  The key here is the chicken, THE CHICKEN, it’s what makes it filling enough for a salad.  Be careful with tuna as it’s not only filled with Disgruntled employee SEMEN, but also has fatty mayo.

So that’s my pick of the week for salad.  Subway is cheap, they see a salad and usually just charge you salad prices and not think that you got meat.

The key is the microwave and the low fat chicken.  Of course you can do lunch meat, sometimes a little pepperoni or bacon is a great mix with the chicken especially if you can get them to cut it up.

Happy Lunching!

McCain is just another dusty white fuck.  If we have a Bro in the house, ain’t nobody going to fuck with us.  And all you white people worried about your mutual funds and other worries that our economy might interrupt your golf schedule, well I feel bad for you.  You see, I kinda feel like it’s just time for a change, I don’t think McCain is going to do that, and there’s really not much left to face except the music. 

Other countries don’t really like the USA.  Why can’t we just go to the back of the room and chill on a couch like a stoner at a party with no initiatives or extremism, just kinda taking it in and surviving?  Just learn to live a little more chill and not focus on wanting to kick so much ass.  Why can’t we be like fucking Finland or some other country that nobody gives a fuck about, they just let us do our thing?  I think it’s really about a lifestyle change.  White people with money and power, get back to the basics and learn to have fun without yachts and SUVs and shit.  So let’s tone it down and get someone with a vision and purpose to really shake up the system.  Our country needs a new direction.  You don’t need any more cheap gas or plastic shit from Wal-Mart.  Your kids just need a dirt field and a deflated kickball to really learn essentials in life. 

So listen, take a fucking chance America, plus, he’s sort of a black guy which makes him cool.  Please reply with seriousness. 
All I have to say is YUB YUB

Last time I was at the market…..  I found the Superpretzel… I’ve been buying them for years, but tonight, I ran into my past, I really tasted my PAST!  For some reason, maybe my reflections of the evening, I tasted the past… and it was a cross between a plastic bag and a blue light special…..

I threw my Superpretzl in the oven, I’ve got better at it, I flash cook it in the oven for about 3-4 minutes.  And I realized something.  I TASTED VENTURE circa 1987.

Remember Venture?  It was pre-target.  IT was just as badass but some rich white asshole probably found a way to take over Venture without causing a ruckus….  I lived in Jew Jersey around the time when Venture was liquidated for unknown reasons to me…  Target came out like a new world order…  Actually come to think of it Venture and Target be it the Zebra logo or the Target have a similar resemblance.  Anyway, so I made another pretzel tonight..   I made sure to sprinkle plenty of the salt on it before I cooked it.  You just whip the pretzel under the sink a few times and flick the water off it and adhere the salt… Anyway, that salt, holy shit.  It is heart attack salt, it’s the same shit they use in the midwest to melt ice, but boy is it TASTY!

Anyway, I bit into it and it tasted kinda like plastic, but good plastic.  Maybe kinda like that slurpee plasticy taste, kinda taste like the shopping cart… it’s a good taste…  And it was so good, and now I just want to go buy some worthless plastic shit!  It reminded me of going into the store as a young kid, smelling plastic big wheels and hot wheels and water toys  and tons of other forms of endless plastic entertainment….  Anyway, it’s an odd experience, but I want you to think real hard….  Hear the beeps of the registers, smell that plastic, do you see yourself roaming the endless isles of garden hoses and plastic trees and … oh wait, I think I smell tires…  no wait!  I smell the garden section, no wait….  that’s just cardboard… anyway… FAHK I want a pretzel…

Venture forever!

Old guy.  I smelled this old guy in line at the grocery store.  Don’t get me wrong, getting old is a beautiful thing… but..  This man smelled like play-doh.  He also smelled kinda like piss, and I was like, wow.  I mean he kinda just smelled old, almost like a world war II museam, that old smell.  And it was just kinda like, bleh.  And then I thought, instead of smelling some kid about to go out clubbing* (see second blog for more on clubbing) and spraying half a bottle of Leopard Piss fragrance all over himself, old people that smell like death should wear cologne.

What if this happened……  New state law passed, anyone over the age of 70 required by law to wear scented fragrance in public.  I love those old ladies that powder themselves up with Lilac powder and it smells like she just took a bath in dollar store flowers.  Church ladies and elderly women that get done up to go to the grocery store, it’s saying alot, and I love them.  Either way, I vow to not get older and smell like pee and play-doh.  What I do like is an old guy that smells like booze, has a jump suit on and is waiting in line for instant lotto, that’s my kind of guy!  He’s also shaking, has strange discolored bruises and splotches all over his skin, and he looks me in the eye like he wants to kill me because he knows I’m just a punk fuck.

Where’s my drugs?  Has anyone found any decent hook ups for pills on line?  What ever happened to that friend that was so entrepreneurial that he took it on himself to order a boatload of pills, sell them to his friends with a 400% markup, and then sit back and watch as his buddies blanked out, and crashed into light poles and  had to move back home with mom and dad.  Point is, if you google, “Order vicodin now, 1000qty”, there will be a website with credit card info fields and you can make it happen!  I actually did this once, me and BERNIE ordered like 100 Soma’s because I hurt my back while hand gliding.  I really needed these pills and so did he because he hurt his back sucking the penis of a twelve year old boy.  Just kidding Bernie.  Oh wait, no I’m not.  Hey Rolly, fuck you too pal.  So anyway, we ordered the 100 pills, and Fedex brought them to me, COD, I went to 7-11 (* see second blog about 7-11 and bloody parking lot) traded my cash in and paid the 75 cents for a money order.  So let’s review.  I ordered online, and had Soma next day aired to my house, we paid with COD money order and before you know it we was out on Lake Travis and almost drowned on rafts.  Case of budwieser + SOMAS = WIN BEAR!  But it did feel good for about 2 hours.  Then I had to eat 6 of them just to get off.  Then they ran out and I was sad.

In regards to meds, I’d like to thank my grandfather right now.  I know they probably have a fast connection for internet up in heaven.  So he’s probably reading this.  Bob, you were a cool fucking grandfather.  If it wernt for them cigs you’d still be here maybe, but it is what it is.  Anyway, I wanted to thank your doctors for over prescribing you with an arsenal of pain medicine in your final years on earth.  When they shifted you onto new drugs, all of your old drugs were conveniently located in my closet in my room at my parents house.  So one day when I flew home from Colorado to visit, there was a BONANZA of drugs in my own closet!

Could this really be I thought!  Wow!  There was all kinds of shit, I had to bring all the bottles into the computer room and do my research.  All kinds of funny pain pills and “dude where’s my car” drugs.  Wow it was a great summer.  I remember bringing home Duragesic pain patches, one day, while at the airport refueling jets, I had too much pain medicine in me.  My shift was almost done anyway, and I was about to throw out the patch.  My penis was tingling so I took off the patch at our shift change and gave it to a co-worker.  You can share the pain patch!  The next day he asked me if I could get any more of them and stated it was the best he’s felt his entire goddamed life……

Apparently, some towns have recycled drugs depositories.  My mom is a nurse and she donates unused drugs to these places.  This really pisses me off.  I guess it’s okay for like unused antibiotics, but I’m like “Mom FUCK do you know the street value of this shit!”…  I think that’s where my mom intended on sending grandpas pills, but she realized that they just “disappeared”.  Little did she know that my ROI (return on investment) worked out very nice.  The jumbo bottle of 400 xanax helped me get the rent squared away that month.   But it was fun being a test dummy for all those pills, another funny thing, they also made Grandpa take stool softeners.  I gave a few of those to my buddy and he took a few of them.  He was “buzzin” and later that day I told him what they were..  Placebo ass.

So I’ve decided to post an ad on craigslist.  Do you currently have expired pain medicine, or laughers and screamers? Please drop them off here so they can properly be disposed of.  I’d like to be the next controversial news article.  Local man arrested for posting ad on craigslist asking for expired medicines.

Honestly, drugs are bad.  The good news is, I’ve tested them all, so go crazy!  Note to self, if you have to sit in the bathroom and actually make a hard effort for your brain to tell your body to pee.  Like if you really have to try hard to piss, you’ve taken too much medicine.  Slow down, and wait a few hours before you eat more.  I can’t lie, I haven’t tried the serious drugs, but as far as farmies are concerned, in the words of Elton John “I’m still standin”.  So listen, if my heart didn’t stop, nor will yours.  Gobble Gobble!  ** This statement has not yet been evaluated by the FDA or yer FAT FUCKING FACE.

Happy eating!

…. on a lighter note…

First, let’s have a moment of silence for Theresa Marie Schindler “Terri” Schiavo.  PVS, persistent vegetative state (PVS) is not something any of us would want, even though roughly half of your fat, pothead friends have it.

Well the last time I had insominia I murdered to help me get back to sleep, but lately my favorite thing to do is to attend live abortions.  You see, at the back of every coat hanger factory is a small abortion center.  In this place, they teach you how to abort.  It’s mostly for pilots, they teach them how to abort landings and break loose from their flight plans.  (** Note, I do not condone murder, nor have I murdered FYI)

The last time I had roasted duck, I felt so bad for the golfers because they didn’t have any more ducks at the golf course.  I normally prefer to use my 3 wood for pelting ducks at the golf course, but lately I’ve kinda been sensitive to Greenpeace’s efforts so I’ve decided to go clubbing.  I usually where (mispelled on purpose)… The correct spelling of WHERE is WEAR.  I normally wear a nice shirt when I go clubbing, but I have to wear black so the ladies notice me.  The thing about when I go clubbin, you gotta wear black, baby seal blood doesn’t really wash out very good.  The last time I had my way with some helpless sea creatures, I bought the stain stick from target, and it worked wonderful.  And let me tell you, Bounce fabric softener, it does a great job of masking the scent of global warming polar bear blood.  Next time you take out a polar bear with your SUV, when you are done stabbing it repeatedly, use Bounce and Downy together and it takes away that blood smell.  Armor All does a great job of masking whale blood, last time I had a splendid time four wheeling on a whale.  It was one of those beached whales, and it was dead already, so we turned it into a 4×4 course.  We used the tail as a ramp to drive up on the top, every one in a while someones tire would get stuck in the blow hole…  We were supposed to clean up the whale, but we just shoveled it back into the sea, I mean it’s not like we were littering!  Well boy, let me tell you it was so hard getting that whale blood out of my tires.  In fact, one day it rained a little when I was parked at 7-11 and I filled the parking lot with whale blood and people were tracking it in the store.  The sea was angry that day.

My new job.  My new job is pretty fun.  It’s a .com company, and they don’t discriminate on employees with filthy blogs, so I got that going for me.  Plus they allow me to be as fat as I want, so it’s kinda nice.  So anyway, I’m in sales, it’s going to be a nice change from dreary old manhattan.  We had a boat party recently, and I had the pleasure of finding out who has slept with who.  Normally when I work for a company, it takes at LEAST 6 months before I find out that the CFO buttfucked the CEO’s wife in the bathroom and that Delores from A/R filmed the whole thing.  It usually takes a few months before I find out that the receptionist had 4 abortions in the break room.  It usually takes about 8 months before I find out that our trainer also got bj’s in the parking lot from six of our clients.  Little did I know that at the last employee party, after the greek style orgy and the crazy glue/meth party sniffout, that the CEO awarded everyone with a speedboat and a kilo of buffalo tranquilizers.

The truth of it is, I’m never surprised.  I mean if the story isn’t like, “well check this out, so Bob fucked Darlene, and yes even though Darlene has been married with 7 children to her loving husband Carl, she still sucked around 72 dicks to date in the break room”.  “Oh and let me tell you about Bob”…  ” when he found out he had herpes, instead of getting it looked at, he waited until it broke out so he could sleep with the whole company, that’s why everyone has cold sores in the company” …..  “One time it got so bad, we took a company picture out in front of the sign, and Carl had to photoshop out everyone’s herpes, it was …” anyway the point is, I’m never surprised at some of the things that go on.  I always thought that the better the opportunity the less Shenniganz, like ya know, the more serious and promising the job, maybe that people wouldn’t act like college kids on X, but it never seems to amaze me.

For once I just want to work somewhere where I don’t get to find out.  Where my imagination can run freely without knowing that someone I temporarily looked up to for being smart and wise about their job, pretty much gave facials to every female in the company, or that the CEO is really lives not shy of a frat boy with a sack of rubbers on a Saturday.  BTW – I am not implying anything about our CEO, I think he’s actually a stand up guy so…  That being said, who cares.  Please reply to this blog with your best work drama story, I’d love to hear it.

Truck of WHALE below:

Oh and Lastly, how can I forget….

Please share this with love:
Jimmy Dean Sausage Call

So tired of your Dolores ass rock style funk band.  You music sounds like a dumpster full of AIDS taking a shit.  Your face looks like a bag of shit covered in corn shit.  When I think of one thing, then I think of another, and then, I also wonder about why I had that thought to begin with.

My ADD started out with ritalin.  After we snorted the first bottle, we got some more, then we talked.  Then we smoked. After I took 30 dexedrine, I made the deans list and read all 498 pages of my textbooks.  Then it was dexedrine and a whole lot of 3am masturbating and smoking.  Then came ADERALL!  FAP FAP FAP!  Smoke and Beat!  God love America and our ADD drugs, drugs are pretty much very fun aren’t they?  Without drugs, you’d be 39% more boring than you already are.

This one goes out to all you sexy penguins that washed up on the beach.  Thank you for allowing us to use your blubber for wonderful cosmetics like lip balm and penguin blood hand lotion.  There’s nothing quite like the feeling of hand lotion made with penguin blubber, it’s silky feel makes it my first choice for masturbation, it’s so smoothe and the fishy smell that it has makes me want MOAR!

I’d like to thank everyone that reads my blogs, I see here that I’ve had 3,115 views to date!  I’ve got 39 posts, that’s roughly 46 pages of total fucking nonsense and rambling.  To date, I’ve acquired 67 ass zits from sitting on my computer, but I only packed about 32 farts so I’m doing pretty well considering the Cubs are about to fuck it all up again.  Honestly though, 3 thousand people actually read this stuff.  oh and by the way, I got 61 Kudos so in case you were wondering, yes, I am better than you.

CPR Dolls.  So I had the pleasure of learning CPR on the side of the highway the other day.  Since the crash victim died gurgling and chokin on his own blood, I figured it was time to learn CPR.  So after I took the class, I fell in love with the CPR doll.  I took it home, and because it’s mouth was open and all big, I proceeded to have my way with it.  Too embarrassed (or too cheap) to buy sex toys?  Take the melon baller, which involves scooping a hole in the fruit, heating the melon in a microwave, squirting in some KY jelly, then thrusting into it. Women get less inventive suggestions, like using beach balls to bounce on.

This is probably a copyright infringement but I love the pictures!  Borrowed from this website:  “Hey, where’d the melon go Timmy?”

Step 1: Get a melon and scoop out a hole

Buy yourself a rock melon or honeydew melon. Cut a round hole in one end a bit smaller than your dick. Scoop out a little of the inside but not too much, remember, you’re making sex toys not digging ditches.

Step 2: Nuke it good

Heat the melon in a microwave (be careful!) and squirt in some baby oil or KY jelly.

Step 3: Ahhhhh!

A little bonus to add to the honeydew/cantaloupe procedure: On the opposite side of the melon from where your penis enters it, make a small hole with a skewer or small knife, no bigger than a pencil eraser, but reaching all the way in to the “vagina.” Wrap your hand around the melon after you insert your erection and put your finger over the hole on the outstroke. Remove your finger on the in-stroke, replace it over the hole on the outstroke. Feels like a mouth going down on your cock, then sucking on it as it draws back. A very nice substitute for a blow job!

I’ve pretty much lived right off BLOWPAC for several years now.  It’s a strange highway, but it’s been pretty nice to take to work, I can get to work pretty fast, and my commute is under ten minutes.  Mopac is pretty clean and smooth running for the most part.  They don’t allow semi’s so I’ve heard, but every once in a while you’ll see them on there.  So it’s a neat highway, 3 lanes on each side and pretty spacious for the most part.
I’m driving along this morning, listening to Rush, Moving Pictures, great fucking album.  And I’m almost to work, smooth driving, it’s a really smooth drive where I can go pretty fast.  Anyway, I’m just gazing over into the oncoming traffic and I see this white pickup with a gigantic piece of equipment on it, and something doesn’t look right.  Yep, it’s jack-knifing.  and oh fuck, it’s coming towards the median, and oh fuck, before I know it, it was like something out of a movie.  I couldn’t have had a better front row seat of seeing a large piece of equipment attached to a trailer flip over and make it’s way towards landing on the roof of my car.  This fucking thing was huge.  And as I saw the truck jacknife, my mind is like, umm dude, remember grand theft auto when you SWERVE to avoid shit coming at you.  Anyway, I didn’t even have time to shit my pants.  And before I knew it I could feel this thing flipping towards me.  Lucky for me it stopped right at the edge of oncoming traffic.  The dust and debris flew behind me, I mean, I just missed this shit.  So had it rolled a few more feet, and I didn’t react, I definitely would have gone head on with a gigantic piece of construction equipment.  It was so bizarre, yet a clean accident, in my rear view mirror I could see the pickup truck, he didn’t flip or anything.  The caterpillar digger thing, weighed so much it broke loose from the hitch.  So then I got to work shaking, and realized how lucky I was.  And it was strange because at work, since my address of my building is actually on MoPac, it says to spell it “MoPac” and that we don’t have to write out Mountain Pacific.  Fuck me, I had no idea.  And then I realized that my last place on this earth had shit gone down, might have easily been on Mountain Pacific highway.  Not one person I work with knew what MOPAC stoood for, so it was fun to clear that up for everyone that’s lived in Austin for years.

On the way home there was another accident.  And it made me think about safety.  And asshole construction workers and truckers that take on dangerous loads, and thinking of how many peoples lives have ended because some fuckwad was too tired or lazy to make sure his ride wasn’t jeapordizing other people.  A trailer on a highway is a fucking projectile death wish.  You think a little shit car can stop a gigantic hunk of steel in tow?  Think again, and it will take out everything in it’s path.
Missouri Pacific Expressway – May have been my resting place today
If you live in Austin, Texas and you knew that MOPAC stood for Missouri Pacific Expressway, then you are a fucking asshole for not telling me.  Day in and day out I commute on this strange highway.  Little did I know that when I decided to leave for work early so I could get my work done early, I had no idea what was about to happen.  And I can truly say, this may be the closest to death that I’ve ever come, today.

I’ve pretty much lived right off BLOWPAC for several years now.  It’s a strange highway, but it’s been pretty nice to take to work, I can get to work pretty fast, and my commute is under ten minutes.  Mopac is pretty clean and smooth running for the most part.  They don’t allow semi’s so I’ve heard, but every once in a while you’ll see them on there.  So it’s a neat highway, 3 lanes on each side and pretty spacious for the most part.
I’m driving along this morning, listening to Rush, Moving Pictures, great fucking album.  And I’m almost to work, smooth driving, it’s a really smooth drive where I can go pretty fast.  Anyway, I’m just gazing over into the oncoming traffic and I see this white pickup with a gigantic piece of equipment on it, and something doesn’t look right.  Yep, it’s jack-knifing.  and oh fuck, it’s coming towards the median, and oh fuck, before I know it, it was like something out of a movie.  I couldn’t have had a better front row seat of seeing a large piece of equipment attached to a trailer flip over and make it’s way towards landing on the roof of my car.  This fucking thing was huge.  And as I saw the truck jacknife, my mind is like, umm dude, remember grand theft auto when you SWERVE to avoid shit coming at you.  Anyway, I didn’t even have time to shit my pants.  And before I knew it I could feel this thing flipping towards me.  Lucky for me it stopped right at the edge of oncoming traffic.  The dust and debris flew behind me, I mean, I just missed this shit.  So had it rolled a few more feet, and I didn’t react, I definitely would have gone head on with a gigantic piece of construction equipment.  It was so bizarre, yet a clean accident, in my rear view mirror I could see the pickup truck, he didn’t flip or anything.  The caterpillar digger thing, weighed so much it broke loose from the hitch.  So then I got to work shaking, and realized how lucky I was.  And it was strange because at work, since my address of my building is actually on MoPac, it says to spell it “MoPac” and that we don’t have to write out Mountain Pacific.  Fuck me, I had no idea.  And then I realized that my last place on this earth had shit gone down, might have easily been on Mountain Pacific highway.  Not one person I work with knew what MOPAC stoood for, so it was fun to clear that up for everyone that’s lived in Austin for years.

On the way home there was another accident.  And it made me think about safety.  And asshole construction workers and truckers that take on dangerous loads, and thinking of how many peoples lives have ended because some fuckwad was too tired or lazy to make sure his ride wasn’t jeapordizing other people.  A trailer on a highway is a fucking projectile death wish.  You think a little shit car can stop a gigantic hunk of steel in tow?  Think again, and it will take out everything in it’s path.

Anyway, glad to still be alive.  It’s good to get a wakeup from reality every once in a while.  It’s still hard for my mind to process, because every morning the traffic moves so smooth, you see cars whizzing by and get so used to it being safe, so when you see a gigantic piece of equipment flipping violently through the air, your mind is like, OMFG WTF!

Alright.

FAIL!

1. Eat more fiber, shit less
2. Dunking your doughnuts in coffee will reduce household energy costs by as much 8 percent
3. Jacking off in the dark, saves energy and because you are breathing heavy
4. Use cooking oil instead of hand lotion for jacking off, this reduces household waste, and makes mom happy that you aren’t using her expensive Aveeno lotion
5. Jack of in a Prius instead of a Land Rover
6. Use towels in place of toilet paper. Use your shower towels to wipe your buttox.
7. Don’t flush as much, have competitions with your family for largest doodies
8. Eating buffalo wings instead of calamari: You see, buffalo’s have a three part compound in their waste that has been shown to add more energy to the sun.
9. Do you dishes in the RAIN! DUH!
10. Install a drain on bathtub that waters the yard
11. STOP using condoms, use Glad bags and Ziplock bags! Using a glad bag for a contraceptive has proven to reduce ozone in many sub layers. Olive oil also has a spermicidal component (does not work for Italian mothers) for those who prefer not to use whale lard.
12. Ejaculate on her FACE, because when you ejaculate into the air (instead of into a condom) the natural action of semen passing through the air makes a natural filter feature much like a water bong and purifies the air.
13. Semen makes a great cleaner for removing stains like blood, it also reduces out carbon output by 9,600 kilajoules.
14. Bathe in someone elses filth, this is good for the streams and ecosystems

LASTLY! Switch to torches, candles and gasoline fires. The more emissions we can raise, actually is helping the environment because as long as we can continue to block the sun so plants don’t get any light, the closer we will get to conquering space, because space is really where we need to be. Much like everything else precious on our planet, we need to put the earth in the dumpster, we’ve grown out of the earth so…. I’m ready to wear a Star Trek suit, aren’t you?